window to my world

life and death are wearing me out

2008-05-09T15:05:00.001-05:00

Just waiting for the day I die

And my heart lets out its final sigh

Obliviated from the minds of Gods

Praying my conception eternally stops

There would be no death or born again

All the links of life forever slain

hoping this truly is liberation

For the shell of my being; its final cremation.

2008-05-09T03:08:00.000-05:00

It all happened one day.
I saw an angel from heaven
Walk by the bay;

He sat on the bench-
just like a dream.
fallen from grace
no hopes to redeem

And though I reverently plead
Till my poor heart bled
He ripped out my soul
And left me for dead

disconnected distorted dillusions

2008-05-08T05:34:00.001-05:00

Sitting on my perch way up high

On a tiny little star in the enormous sky

Observing humans blur the line

Between living a life or living a lie

A moment of realization

That the entire creation

Is complete fallacy

In God’s policy

They’re unaware of my existence

Hence without resistance

I fly away on my broom

To the dark side of the moon

Cynical? who me?

2008-05-07T15:31:00.001-05:00

You Are 80% Cynical

You're a full blown cynic... and probably even skeptical of these results.

You have your optimistic moments, but most likely you keep them to yourself.

How Cynical Are You?

Marijuana

2008-05-06T19:23:00.001-05:00

Light burns me

Shadows taint me

It becomes hard to tell

If the world I live in…

Is heaven or hell

Should I follow the reaper or my dark dead heart?

Should I go with the angel to the light of my past?

It makes no difference, it’s all the same

I just waste away on my wall of shame.

I am aware of it now-

that hell is my nirvana ….

… my eternal marijuana

Mourn

2006-10-31T01:15:00.000-05:00

old age mourns the loss of youth -
and youth; the loss of wisdom
wisdom mourns the loss of time -
and time; its never ending circle.

if time would freeze; then memories...
would be now and not the past
we'd be living them over and over
not sigh "they went by so fast"

Hurt

2006-10-05T15:02:00.000-05:00

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

(Hurt- Johnny Cash)

2006-10-05T14:49:00.000-05:00

my tears make the rain....

love and longing in Bombay

2006-08-20T23:34:00.000-05:00

I am walking in my city. The island sleeps, and I can feel the jostling of its dreams. I know they are out there, Mahalaxmi, Mazagaon, Umerkhadi, Pydhuni, and the grand melodrama of Marine Drive. I have music in my head, the jingle of those old names, Wadala, Matunga, Koliwada, Sakinaka, and as I cross the causeway I can hear the steady eternal beat of the sea, and I am filled with a terrible longing. ... ... ...
... ... ...
...If we search together, I think, we may find in Andheri, in Bhuleshwar, perhaps not heaven, or its opposite, but only life itself.

-Vikram Chandra 'Love and Longing in Bombay'

sensual dance

2006-08-08T12:09:00.000-05:00

my life passes me by like slides on a projector.some of them bring back the happiest memories, some bring my worst nightmares to life. all events in all colors... some in pastel, some in earth; few the dull dreary grey and some the fiery red of anger, hurt and betrayal.the speed with which these events pass by make it seem like an intimate almost sensual dance of good with bad, happy with sad, spiralling round leaving me with a feeling of vertigo. in this dance my life unfurls, a riot of colors all around that make me wanna elope to the land of love, sunshine and hope.

2006-05-12T11:02:00.000-05:00

You Are Scary

You even scare scary people sometimes!

How Scary Are You?

How weird am I?

2006-04-11T13:56:00.000-05:00

You Are 50% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird...
But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

Bombay meri jaan

2006-04-07T14:01:00.000-05:00

i am sure this is what all us bombayites feel.. so far away from home, trying to carve a niche in some alien country. Bombay, waking up with the tweetering of sparrows and cawing of crows... suprprisingly i miss the crows. i never thought i would, them being so absolutely filthy, with a piece of some dead creature in their mouth perched on your window sill and cawing away. but i do miss them. i miss everything that is bombay right down to the smells. the first thing you notice when you deboard the flight at the international airport is the smell, hitting you hard and letting you know that you're home. i miss the crisp mornings where you felt like waking up and doing something with your day, the salty air at juhu beach and queen's necklace at marine drive; the trains packed to more than 10 times their capacity, the stench of dead fish in the 2nd class compartments... i miss all of that. the eunuchs at the traffic lights and juhu beach and the look on my mother's face when she saw them coming. hehe. my mother was never scared of anything but was absolutely terrified of them :D... getting wet in the rain :) tea at the stalls... roadside dosas and pani puris....mmmmmmm...... no sense of organized traffic.... absolute chaos and engulfed in all that- home sweet home.

"shola hai, ya hai bijuria
dil ki bajaria- bumbai nagaria"

Then...

2006-04-04T04:10:00.000-05:00

Love at First Sight

They're both convinced that a sudden passion joined them.Such certainty is beautiful,but uncertainty is more beautiful still.

Since they'd never met before, they're surethat there'd been nothing between them.But what's the word from the streets, staircases, hallways --perhaps they've passed each other a million times?

I want to ask themif they don't remember --a moment face to facein some revolving door?perhaps a "sorry" muttered in a crowd?a curt "wrong number" caught in the receiver?but I know the answer.No, they don't rememberThey'd be amazed to hearthat Chance has been toying with themnow for years.

Not quite ready yetto become their Destiny,it pushed them close, drove them apart,it barred their path,stifling a laugh,and then leaped aside.

There were signs and signals,even if they couldn't read them yet.Perhaps three years agoor just last Tuesdaya certain leaf flutteredfrom one shoulder to another?Something was dropped and then picked up.Who knows, maybe the ball that vanishedinto childhood's thicket?

There were doorknobs and doorbellswhere one touch had covered anotherbeforehand.Suitcases checked and standing side by side.One night, perhaps, the same dream,grown hazy by morning.

Every beginningis only a sequel, after all,and the book of eventsis always open halfway through.

~ Wislawa Szymborska ~

tonite

2006-04-04T03:54:00.000-05:00

tonite i sat down to put some thoughts to words.... but when my fingers touched the keyboard, my thoughts vanished like smoke from an elegant brass pipe. ....leaving just an aftertaste and sickly sweet smell...

A Special World (just for you and me)

2006-04-04T01:34:00.000-05:00

dedicated to the one person in my life i would die for a thousand times..... no matter how much we may differ in our beliefs, just wanted to let you know -

A special world for you and me
A special bond one cannot see
It wraps us up in its cocoon
And holds us fiercely in its womb.

Its fingers spread like fine spun gold
Gently nestling us to the fold
Like silken thread it holds us fast
Bonds like this are meant to last.

And though at times a thread may break
A new one forms in its wake
To bind us closer and keep us strong
In a special world, where we belong.

by Sheelagh Lennon

Nothing twice

2006-03-29T16:57:00.000-05:00

Nothing can ever happen twice.
In consequence, the sorry fact is
that we arrive her improvised
and leave without a chance to practice.

Even if there is no one dumber,
if you're the planet's biggest dunce,
you can't repeat the class in summer:
this course is only offered once.

No day copies yesterday,
no two nights will teach what bliss is
in precisely the same way,
with exactly the same kisses.

One day, perhaps, some idle tongue
mentions your name by accident:
I feel as if a rose were flung
into the room all hue and scent.

The next day, though you're here with me,
I can't help looking at the clock:
A rose? A rose? What could that be?
Is it a flower or a rock?

Why do we treat the fleeting day
with so much needless fear and sorrow?
It's in it nature not to stay:
Today is always gone tomorrow.

With smiles and kisses, we prefer
to seek accord beneath our star,
although we're different we concur
just as two drops of water are.

- Wislawa Szymbroska

The best proof of love is trust

2006-03-19T00:10:00.000-05:00

According to this quote by Joyce brothers, is trust the best proof or only proof of love. If so, then what happens if love exists but the trust is wavery at best? is it not love then? will trust never exist? ..... questions to which I might never have answers.

khalbali

2006-03-15T13:04:00.000-05:00

hone hone de nasha
khone khone ko hai kya -
ek saans mein pee ja zara zindagi chadha
hai yeh toh ek jashan
tu thirakne de kadam
abhi saanson mein hai dam
abhi chalne de sitam

-RDB

my cocky young man

2006-03-15T01:37:00.000-05:00

i fell in love with this overconfident kid almost 12 years ago.... he was cocky, sly, he believed he could conquer the world if he just snapped his fingers. He had this glint in his eyes, which told you to beware of what he might pull out of bag of mischief. The reason why i use the word "was" is because i now see him as an unsure person. A person who is scared of making mistakes, a person who is not so daring and a person who has mellowed down so much that he sometimes looks like a droopy little lap dog. I so hope and pray that he would once again become the fiery dragon i know him to be, the person people envied, the pride of the land and most of all the cocky little kid who was so sure of himself that he grabbed my hand so long ago in the middle of a lecture in school and knew that he would not be caught....

i so hope he does.

Write

2006-02-06T20:05:00.000-05:00

People tell me to write because they think I have a great, wild, graphic and a fantastic imagination. It is true sometimes, because I can imagine what I read or hear in vivid life like colors and can bring it all to life in my mind. I can imagine everything to the tiniest detail like the color of pin in the woman's hair.... But when it comes to creating a world of my own or characters or anything out of my imagination, I draw a blank; much like I've been hit by a huge board smack on my face.

But if that is what people think, if they think I can put my imagination to words; I shall try to do so.

blahhh.................

2005-12-03T05:55:00.000-05:00

today i'm in the mood to write about absolutely nothing all. no topic, no theme... nothing to do with my warped attempts at being poetic. today the blog serves its original purpose- keeping a log of random thoughts. thoughts.... unorganized, random and meaningless; just babble. my mother is coming to visit me for 15 days to attend my comencement and spend some time with me... maybe coz she feels guilty of spending 5 and a half months with my sister(granted she's going through a life altering crisis, but i would have loved to have her for a month if nothing more) a mere 15 days feels like a relative coming to visit and not my mother. today i also had a fight with my boyfriend.... not an unusual occurence in our relationship...infact not having a fight for more than 2 days would be absolutely unheard of... what do you do when the love of your life has been dissapointed by you so bad in the past that they cannot trust you enuf...but still make mountainous efforts to do so, just because they love you.... but what do you do when you know your mistake and repent it and have to live with the fact that your love doesn't trust you and all that because of your own very self. what do you do when your existance in this relationship is guilt-ridden, when you feel so guilty that you start believeing that you are not worthy of being in the relationshsip.... but bf tells you that he's not judging you, so y feel so guilty? what do you say then???? how do you tell them that it is not they but you who has judged yourself and have fallen in your own eyes so low that you don't even know if anything exists that low....
maybe i make no sense, but as i said earlier..... i just wanted to babble and be blahhhh today.

reverie

2005-11-22T00:24:00.000-05:00

I took a moment to rest my eyes today. looking up from the screen in front of me, what i saw took my breath away.
beyond the rustle and bustle of downtown, i saw the sun setting. its scorching yellow now turned to a fiery red. the colors playfully casting shadows in the sky turning the clouds to shades of purple nd pink, making them look like candy floss. the first stars twinkling in the sky; the lone falcon soaring high above, beconing me to fly away, taking my thoughts to events in my past- the victories and failures, milestones and set-backs. Making me wonder how has life treated me so far?
but the sky outside turns an inky blue- twilight - my favourite part of the day. the part where the ruthless wordly day, slowly and steadily turns the world into a shy coy princess draping a fine dark veil on her face. it makes me forget my question.

far off the phone lets out a persistant ring bringing me back from my reverie. i see the number on the caller-id, and smile to myself-
life has indeed treated me well.....

unheard

2005-11-10T21:15:00.000-05:00

There is a feeling sometimes of not being heard. Not a sentence, not even a word. People just go about doing what they were.. some acknowledging my presence, some not. All the while I keep talking, trying to make some sense to these people or even make them hear what i have to say. But it is as if they are all deaf to my voice. And as always it seems that; my words like silent raindrops fell;-- wet the asphalt and flowed away. Heard by no-one, left no mark or stain. And when the sun shines leaves no trace of the raindrops anywhere. The faces around show no sign of the drops ever falling or my words ever spoken.

bare

2005-08-20T23:02:00.000-05:00

take me away, mend my broken wings
treat me nice, whisper wonderful things...

hold me; heal me
lighten my scars
I'm laid bare in front of you
under the stars.

Parched

2005-06-15T02:23:00.000-05:00

I lay on my back... my hungry eyes desperately searching for a rainbow. The parched earth scorches my rigid back. All I am aware of, are the pores of my skin opening and urging the skies to pour down on me; tear away all the cobwebs in my soul; drown all the demons in me. Wash away all the inertia, disappointments and pain-
-so I can start living again...

Single Truth

2005-05-05T22:08:00.000-05:00

i look down from the ledge
and see a thousand lights
of passing cars, shimmering
on the darkened path
like a million stars twinkling
on a moonless night.

i have a vantage point.

i can see the horizon
far off from my perch,
where the moon-washed sea
like liquid silver
meets the diamond studded velvet.

i face the horizon, and let go.
in the free fall, everything
merges to one single truth....
....you

my very first attempt

2005-04-29T11:53:00.000-05:00

hold my hand and i'll take u there
where my life begins and ends,
a tiny room in a tiny place
at the corner of the darkest bend.

its full of tiny trinkets
junk to a stranger's eye
but, to me they're more precious
than diamonds as they come by

a candy wrapper, a ticket stub
a silver bell broken off a string
a dried flower, given so long ago-
as a gift of love to keep

these are my life's possesions
all that i'll ever need,
along with the man in front of me
where all my life's loose ends meet.